Thursday, June 07, 2007

Jaws The Revenge - DVD podBLAST

The earliest known sharks date back to about 400 million years ago. Dinosaurs appeared around 200 million years ago and were gone in the blink of an eye (geologically speaking) because they sucked.

Sharks, on the other hand, rule, and are still around. Hungrier and more pissed off than ever, they have evolved to hold grudges and survive on a steady diet of kids. Their black hearts pump nitro glycerin and they can smell grandma stank from halfway around the globe.

(This is shit you don't get from Shark Week, people.)

The only known humans that can survive a shark attack are Michael Caine and Mario Van Peebles, but Mario has to be affecting a bad Jamaican accent, and Caine has to be pulling that bullshit accent that he has.

So, in conclusion--
Sharks: Sweet
Dinosaurs: Lame
DVD podBLAST: Awesome
RiffTrax: Douchebags


Anonymous Akito said...

Ohh, guys, GUYS!

Never sing in falsetto again. It makes baby Jesus cry. It also made baby Jesus shit himself in fear.

"I can do CHristopher Walken, Michael Caine, AND a saxophone!" - what, at the same time? <_>

11:50 AM  
Anonymous maxthesilent said...

Isn't it incredible that the greatest movie ever made can spawn a sequel that is, alternately, the WORST movie ever made?

Yeah, I said it!!

Michael Caine Fun Fact: He won an Oscar while he was shooting this garbage. He couldn't accept it in person so he sent a videotaped acceptance speech from the Bahamas.

For this alone he's the fuckin' MAN!!

10:19 PM  
Anonymous Franklin T Marmoset said...

Don't forget LL Cool J, one of the great shark survivors. Also, he makes a pretty good omlette.


Because LL Cool J is hard as hell, that's why.

1:13 AM  
Anonymous maxthesilent said...



1:40 AM  
Blogger directorscut said...

Franchise killers:

POLICE ACADEMY V, VI or MISSION TO MOSCOW (aka, the ones Steve Guttenberg wasn't in).


DELTA FORCE III (aka The One Chuck Norris isn't in).

THE NEVERENDING STORY III (I guess it does end!)

UNDER SIEGE 2 (Worst special effect ever when the main bad guy dies. Mo Henry cut the negative).

US MARSHALS (No Harrison Ford, but Mo Henry came aboard).

LETHAL WEAPON 4 (Why Mo? Why?!)

MEN IN BLACK II (Smith, Jones and Henry).

PS. Why put Mario van Peebles in a killer shark movie and not kill him? The insanity!

10:05 PM  
Blogger directorscut said...


7:49 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

And let's not forget other franchise killers like...

- either Star Trek: Insurrection or Star Trek: Nemesis, take your pick
- Jurassic Park 2
- Ninja Turtles 3
- Jeepers Creepers 2
- The Ring 2
- The Grudge 2
- Hannibal Rising
- Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan, which really should have been titled "Jason Takes His Sweet-Ass Time Getting To Manhattan"

11:40 AM  

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