Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Cursed - DVD podBLAST

Happy Halloween!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Highlander II - DVD podBLAST

Once again, another movie that falls into the "could be considered the worst sequel of all time" category.

Sean Connery's head has been reattached.
John C. McGinley does NOT sound like Orsen Welles. (Otherwise brings it)
Aliens. Including, but not limited to, Pigeon Assassins.
It's the podBLAST season finale.

Solid actors doing what they can with crap.
Virginia Madsen
BLASTers granted a 3-month leave-of-absence to recover.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Bad Boys II - DVD podBLAST

Hell yeah. Short of the Double Double Damme Damme and the two-part Pearl Harbor BLAST, here is the single longest BLAST ever. 63MB of BLASTin'.

But is it all BLASTin'? Did one of your very own turn to the dark side? Download and find out.

As for the movie... 2 hours and 17 Minutes of Michael Bay's signature, flat-lit, product-placed, lowest common denominator, quick-cut, plot-light, action "filmmaking".

Though it's never been checked, we think it's probably a cult classic with most coroners.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Blues Brothers 2000 - DVD podBLAST


Arguably the worst sequel-to-original disparity in the history of cinema. This hunk of crap jumps the shark in so many ways that if we listed them all here, we might break the internet.

How Dan Ackroyd was able to round everyone up for this is a mystery. One suspects that no one asked to read the script first.

Suggestion: Dan, instead of showing your love of music and Blues by trying to reproduce the magic of the original Blues Brothers, do a documentary. Everyone expects those to suck.

BLASTphemers - if you're in the habit of listening to BLASTs without renting the movie, go out on a limb with this one. Some of the gasps you'll hear on the BLAST will make more sense if you're actually getting the visuals.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Alone in the Dark - DVD podBLAST

Another Ewe Boll film. Well, what can you say about a director that has admitted his movies are bad, then in the same breath blamed the video games they're based on as not being good source material? Seriously, what can you say?

Who gives a shit, it's perfect blasting material. Bad movie, laughable performances (we're looking at you, Tara Reid), pointless gore, spooky caves that are really alternate dimensions... perfect.

So, let's go out on a limb here and say...

Thank you, Ewe. Thank you.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life - DVD podBLAST

Super-sexy Angelina Jolie is all T's & A in this franchise deuce, though you would never know it. It's like the movie was cut with gay men and jealous girlfriends in mind.

So with no gratuitous shots of Mrs. Pitt, what are you left with? Pandora's "box"? Yeah, we know... sounds promising, but it turns out to be lame.

But: The dude with all the pecs and abs from 300 is in it.

Finally. A film for the Gay Male Gamer.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Ghostrider - DVD podBLAST

Nicholas Cage rides through this pile of crap (yet another poorly realized Marvel adaptation) admirably, though clearly much of his time was spent in his trailer while the animators took over.

Try to forget that he made a deal with the devil and can't be killed, and you may just sense some drama here and there.

Two other things to note: Eva Mendes can't even pull off a convincing news reporter. Uh, Eva? The Academy called. They'd like you to go home now.

One of the greatest mis-casts ever:
Wes "...there's so much beauty in the world..." Bentley as Blackheart-The-Squeaky-Voiced.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Reindeer Games - DVD podBLAST

We like Ben Affleck. We really do. Why he happens to be in so many BLASTed movies is a mystery.

Make no mistake, though, Reindeer Games sucks hard. If it's not the championship collection of stupid double-crosses, then it's the several unbelievable leaps of logic. Pointless narration? Got it. Lame, unrealistic villains? Yep. Someone to root for? A sympathetic hero? Uh, no.

However, Charlize Theron appears twice with minimal clothing.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Double Double Damme Damme - DVD podBLAST

The heat is getting to us. As we sign off for a short summer vacation, we leave you with the first ever DVD podBLAST double feature:

Double Impact and Double Team (in that order)

Both starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, one starring him twice, and the other also starring Rebound King and former Flavor of the Month, Dennis Rodman.

Squeamish about hearing your BLASTers chow down? Too bad. Trying to survive 3.5 hours of "The Damme" without eating is impossible, so at the break, we send one of our own down to In 'n Out to grab some Double-Doubles.

Believe it or not, there are even MORE "double" jokes in the BLAST. So, enjoy that.

We'll see you in a month or so.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Epic Movie - DVD podBLAST

We've done the franchise killers, we've done the career killers, we've even done the director killers. Here's a new one...

The Genre Killer.

If the makers of Airplane and Top Secret knew back then that this was where zany comedy was headed, they probably would have just stuck with their day jobs. Luckily for everyone, looking into the future is impossible.

Unfortunately for DVD podBLAST, un-watching a movie is also impossible.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

The Bonfire of the Vanities - DVD podBLAST

The title, The Bonfire of the Vanities, refers to an event in 1497 whereby a puritanical leader in Italy sent his Troops of Morality house to house, requesting that folks give up their "vanities" - paintings, cosmetics, "pagan" books - and throw them onto the 15-story bonfire.


As the undisputed modern day equivalent of the Troops of Morality, DVD podBLAST will soon be going door to door, nicely asking people to give up their DVD copies of The Bonfire of the Vanities so we may throw them atop the ritual pyre, apty named, "The Bonfire of The Bonfire of the Vanities."

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Jaws The Revenge - DVD podBLAST

The earliest known sharks date back to about 400 million years ago. Dinosaurs appeared around 200 million years ago and were gone in the blink of an eye (geologically speaking) because they sucked.

Sharks, on the other hand, rule, and are still around. Hungrier and more pissed off than ever, they have evolved to hold grudges and survive on a steady diet of kids. Their black hearts pump nitro glycerin and they can smell grandma stank from halfway around the globe.

(This is shit you don't get from Shark Week, people.)

The only known humans that can survive a shark attack are Michael Caine and Mario Van Peebles, but Mario has to be affecting a bad Jamaican accent, and Caine has to be pulling that bullshit accent that he has.

So, in conclusion--
Sharks: Sweet
Dinosaurs: Lame
DVD podBLAST: Awesome
RiffTrax: Douchebags

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Batman Forever - DVD podBLAST

One would think that for DM's and PBW's birthday, they might give themselves a break. Watch a good movie. Take a week off.


Yet ANOTHER BLASTed Batman movie. It's like another Star Wars franchise.


Thursday, May 24, 2007

Artificial Intelligence: A.I. - DVD podBLAST

It should be good. Spielberg calling the shots; Stanley Kubrick smiling from beyond; Jude Law, William Hurt, and Haley J. all bringin' it.

It is 7 hours and 19 minutes long.
SexBots are not real.
It contains no less than two endings, arguably more.
The fabled Blue Fairy is hotter than the mom (Frances O'Connor). (Debatable)
Chris RockBot; Robin "Dr. Know" Williams.
Matt and D do not own a condo in Rouge City.

Special Effects can not be denied.
Officially BLASTed.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Marine - DVD podBLAST

Fans of explosions and hard nipples rejoice: Your film has arrived.

Fans of WWE and John Cena who also have no brain (or a non-functioning brain): Enjoy the film. We know you will.

Fans of rock candy: Prepare to take up arms.

Fans of entertainment;
fans of not being insulted;
fans of not wasting hard earned money on crap;
fans of "UNRATED" meaning, "You can jack it to this movie";
fans of shit that doesn't suck shit:
This BLAST is for you.

(Quick clarification: There is nothing inherently wrong with explosions or hard nipples. We just feel that a movie should not be based around them. Well, not entirely. Well, depends on the movie.)

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Lost in Space - DVD podBLAST

If this movie hadn't been so boring, it could have made Matt LeBlanc a movie star.

Yeah, he starred in a movie about a monkey that's also a baseball player, and yeah, he let his agent talk him into "Joey". But seriously, he was pretty good in Lost in Space.

And oh my God, Lacey Chabert is... uh... 16 in this movie. No more to say.

Who can we blame? How about Akiva Goldsman, the writer, who also wrote Batman & Robin (BLASTed) and Batman Forever (coming soon)? OK, Done.

Makes one think that a DVD podBLAST Hall of Shame may need to get rolling.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Tequila Body Shots - DVD podBLAST

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Join the BLASTers and special guest Senta Moses on a journey through the depths of the human soul as they explore the meaning and significance of Tequila Body Shots.

Few knew that what has long been considered just a super hot way to get tequila into your belly is actually an ancient Mexican tradition designed to get really cute guys laid. It's also closely related to necrophilia. (Look that one up, kids.)

Joey Lawrence brings it home in his own, very particular style.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Supergirl - DVD podBLAST

What is the best thing about Supergirl? It's our 50th BLAST, that's what!

So instead of writing about some crappy movie that should probably be called Suckergirl or Superdouche, let's instead focus on the positive.

DVD podBLAST. 50th. Wow. That is a lot of stank. In fact, if you could make a pile of all the stank that these 50 movies have unleashed on the world, you would have... well, a lot. Like, "Call Al Gore" a lot.

And you know what? Supergirl would be the cherry on top.

The stinking, putrid cherry.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Driven - DVD podBLAST

What, really, can you expect from the director who brought you Cutthroat Island? (OT: I hear there's an AWESOME alternate commentary for that movie!! Check it out!!!

There are so many plot holes and inconsistencies in this movie, you'd have to be a blind New Yorker to crash your car into a story. Or Villain. Or Engaging Character.

Here's a fun side game: bet your friends who can determine the exact moment in the movie when the special effects budget ran out.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Dungeons & Dragons - DVD podBLAST

Just very simply - this may be the worst adaptation of anything, ever.

If you are a player of D&D, if you've ever played D&D, if you've heard of D&D, or if you've ever walked past a gaming store in the mall, this movie should offend you to the core.

Most offensive is Marlon Wayans... or Thora Birch... or the blatant Star Wars rip-offs... or the fact that Thora Birch was nominated for two awards that aren't designed to make fun of her.

Unless you are a level 5 wizard, do NOT watch this movie without the BLAST, which will give you +50 endurance.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Street Fighter - DVD podBLAST

The Movie that Killed Raul Julia.

The video game Street Fighter is one of the simplest, most basic games out there - just kick the shit out of your opponent.

The movie takes the idea several steps further, introducing political intrigue, societal oppression, and assassins of the English language.

It takes a few key steps back, however, when it leaves out the KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR OPPONENT part.

IMDB says the guy who wrote and directed this mess also wrote Die Hard. Yeah right. We want proof.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Crossroads - DVD podBLAST

Produced at the height of Britney Spears' sex-kitten fame, Crossroads suffers from an identity crisis. Much like the current Ms. Spears. Hmmmm.

Anyway, is it produced for tweener fans of Britney? If so - who's the filmmaking wizard that came up with the gratuitous scenes of Britney dancing in her underwear to make ordinary tweens feel fat and ugly?

Or is it produced for thirty-something men who have longed for just a little bit more Britney skin ever since they laid eyes on the Hit Me Baby One More Time video? If so - yikes.

One thing that seems to be universally agreed upon though: HOLY SHIT SHE'S HOT!!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift - DVD podBLAST

A troubled Southern teen (Lucas Black) travels to the land of the distant sun to live with his troubled, whore-loving father. (Sound familiar? Thought so. Yeah, we're talking to YOU!)

Within hours of arriving, he falls in love with another troubled foreigner, gets caught up in the world of drift racing, and is taken under the wing of a Japanese mobster with a huge supply of exotic four-bangers and a taste for cheesy snack crackers.

Well, as you might expect, one does not become number-one roundeye overnight. So, some trials and tribulations happen, after which the ultimate race for domination (and sweet, slutty love) is set up.

As you have already guessed, Good Guy drifts the shit out of Bad Guy, wins The Girl, then rolls into the strangest cameo scene in drift racing movie history.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Leprechaun - DVD podBLAST

One year before she became Jennifer "Rachel Green" Aniston, she was just Jennifer "Tory Reding" Aniston, running around kicking ass on an innocent, homicidal Leprechaun.

He just wants his gold, people! Just give him his gold!

OK, seriously? We barely remember the movie. Hope the BLAST is OK.

Check on Monday for some pics.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Caddyshack II - DVD podBLAST

The quintessential example of filmmakers thinking "Hey, it was funny in number one, let's really amp it up for number two!"

Rumor has it that Rodney Dangerfield was asked to do it, but wanted to contribute to the script. When the filmmakers refused his request, he declined.

Now, your humble BLASTers have no way of actually knowing, but something tells us that Rodney would have started it something like this:

A beautiful GOLF COURSE on a beautiful day.

Bitchin' MUSIC rocks the credits like Gyllenhaal.

A cute, mischievous GOPHER digs up five feet of turf before:


Actually, that 1/4 page would have made a better movie than their 90 pages.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Son of the Mask - DVD podBLAST

Don't let the hilariously clever title throw you - this movie blows.

In this episode of "Franchise Killer Theatre", we find Jamie Kennedy as a down-on-his-luck cartoonist who gets a hold of The Mask. After wearing it to a very convenient costume party (<** party scene deleted from memory **> he comes home and breaks off a little somthin-somethin with the old lady.

Fast forward nine months (really, 40 weeks, people), and little baby is born with all the powers of the mask, yet none of the associated laughs.

As a nervous parent, Ja <** deleted memory **> ing, but not before <** deleted **>, which ends up <** delete **>

F<** emergency memory dump \sonofthemask **>

<** \release endorphin **>

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Elektra - DVD podBLAST

What is the deal with ninjas? Aren't they supposed to be ruthless killing machines sans conscience?

Shouldn't movies about ninjas be awesome? Free of cliches? Full of killin'?

Just curious.

Jennifer Garner - yum.
(DTM does not approve of previous line)

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Blair Witch 2 - DVD podBLAST

The official title of this movie is Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, however, as any astute viewer will notice (as did your BLASTers), there is no book, nor are there any shadows.

If that isn't enough, this BLAST came under the Blair Witch curse. During the original recording, the last half of the BLAST was mysteriously silent. The recording continued, but there was only silence. WhoooOOOOOOooooo! Spooky.

As a result, this BLAST has been spliced together at the 30:00 sync check mark. Everything will remain in sync. Or will it!?!? WhoooOOOOOoooooo!!

What more does the Blair Witch have in store?

What about the original BLAST from the 30:00 mark to the beginning of silence? Where's that?

Only the Blair Witch knows....

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Dreamcatcher - DVD podBLAST

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

We love our BLASTphemers. So in honor of the holiday, we bring you, by request, Dreamcatcher, 2 hours and 15 minutes of misguided Stephen King adaptationism.

Just a quick note - - This particular request, from someone named... let's say, "Colin", from somewhere called... mmm... let's say, "Newcastle, Australia", was either a legitimate petition to BLAST a horrible movie, or a heinous prank whose purpose was to either:

- Drain our collective lifeforce.
- Force us into murdering each other in so many psychotic hazes.
- Quite possibly both.

Yeah, real funny "Colin." "Henderson." From "Newcastle".

We will not be broken.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls - DVD podBLAST

Alternatively titled, Ace Ventura 2: The Franchise Killer.

This questionably conceived follow-up to the universally loved original (yes, UNIVERSALLY) features Jim Carrey at his muggiest, overactiness best.

One thinks that Walsho may want to think twice before defending such a stankpot of stank.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Basic Instinct 2 - DVD podBLAST

Could this be the best drinking game ever?!

Take a drink for:

- Sexual innuendo (only if it's SUPPOSED to be, you perv)
- Every time time any journalist character appears (alive or dead)
- Unresolved plot points
- Any time Sharon Stone smolders

Uh, on second thought, if you play this game, you will die of alcohol poisoning.

DISCLAIMER: Seriously, no drinking.

Instead, make it a laughing game. Bring some love into this world, people!

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Batman Returns - DVD podBLAST

QUESTION: Should Batman Returns have been BLASTed?

ANSWER (Steve): No.
ANSWER (Everyone else): FUCK yes.

It had its good points - Michael Keaton as THE Batman, Michelle Pheiffer in a catsuit, Christopher Walken as Christopher Walken - but it also had Tim Burton(tm) brand sillyness, magic penguin pallbearers (spoiler... oops!), and the word "poon-tang".

Besides, though this is one of the best movies to ever suffer a BLAST, it did prompt the BLASTers to reveal their secret plans for an island utopia, as well as their questionable sexual habits.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Speed 2: Cruise Control - DVD podBLAST

It's a few years after Speed, and Annie (Sandra Bullock) has dumped super-buff Jack Traven (Keanu Reeves) for a pleasantly compact Alex Shaw (Jason Patric), who she believes to be a nice, mellow member of LAPD's "Suicide Squad".

When she totally plausibly finds out that he's actually an adrenaline freak, she gets really, believably upset. Luckily, Alex keeps cruise tickets stuffed down his pants for just such an occasion.

From here, I'm sure you can imagine: Psychotic, scorned employee (Willem Dafoe); hapless, gay cabin attendant; inappropriate sexual tension; Scottish crew.

Wait, you want SPEED!?! Oh, we got it, baby! How about an ocean liner that tops out at 20mph (32kph)!!! X-TREME!!!!!