Thursday, August 30, 2007

Alone in the Dark - DVD podBLAST

Another Ewe Boll film. Well, what can you say about a director that has admitted his movies are bad, then in the same breath blamed the video games they're based on as not being good source material? Seriously, what can you say?

Who gives a shit, it's perfect blasting material. Bad movie, laughable performances (we're looking at you, Tara Reid), pointless gore, spooky caves that are really alternate dimensions... perfect.

So, let's go out on a limb here and say...

Thank you, Ewe. Thank you.


Anonymous MaxTheSilent said...

Uwe Boll's methodology:

1. Somehow acquire the rights to potentially cool video game projects.

2. Willfully abandon as much of the plot and look of the source material as possible, retaining only the name.

3. Make unbelievably shitty movie then blame said source material for its failings.

4. Repeat.

2:13 PM  
Anonymous akito said...

You guys WILL eventually do Double Dragon, right? Not that there aren't more worthy video game movies, but I remember DD being especially maddening, as I was a MASSIVE Double Dragon 1 fun. Me and a buddy played the shit outta that on our Nintendos.

7:50 PM  
Anonymous MaxTheSilent said...

To answer Da' Mangler's question:

I played one of the games back on the PS1. From what I remember it's a third-person survival horror game along the lines of SILENT HILL and RESIDENT EVIL.

The main idea is that it's a gothic Lovecraft-inspired supernatural thriller, with creepy castles on mysterious islands and all that good stuff.

But clearly, as I said above, Boll takes out every element essential to the title and replaces it with his own bullshit.

And the notion that anyone or anything else is responsible for the mega-watt suckage of Boll's movies is utter garbage.

Because of his independant funding arrangement he has more creative control over these turds than about 90% of Hollywood's top directors.

Every wretched idea in his movies comes from one place and one place only: Boll himself.

Check this out:

The disgruntled writers of this film posted a bunch of actual Uwe Boll notes about changes he wanted made to the script.

The man's a hack, a liar and (it must be said) of questionable sanity.

7:57 PM  
Anonymous MaxTheSilent said...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't this Blast break the record for cocksucking jokes?

12:19 AM  
Anonymous MaxTheSilent said...

I'm suddenly reminded that this season is drawing to a close, and I'm bereft of what to do in PodBlast's absence.

Film Pigs puts up a new commentary only once every 4 fucking months.

It looks like I might be forced to move towards Douchetrax, and pay far too much money for mediocre pre-rehearsed commentaries on movies I like.

Please, Adudathuda, spare me this indignity and never take a break again!!

12:43 AM  
Blogger Jax said...

I keep tellin' ya, keep the video game movie Blasts in the bank for next season! I mean, you gotta have like 30 or 40 still to blast yet, and not all of them done by Ewe Boll, either...

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Brad Barber said...

Hey Blasters and Blastphemers, here's a direct quote from Ew Boll and may explain why he's able to get some money for more movies:

"Maybe you know it but it's not so easy to finance movies in total. And the reason I am able to do these kind of movies is I have a tax shelter fund in Germany, and if you invest in a movie in Germany you get basically fifty percent back from the Government."

Ew Boll on financing his films.

10:16 PM  
Anonymous MaxTheSilent said...

That has been well-known for a long time.

I heard that the German investors actually get a 100% tax rebate on any productions that lose money, ostensibly URGING Boll to make unwatchable bombs that can be used as a total tax write-off.

But the rumour was that that tax break may soon be dismantled, and he'll have to find alternate methods of financing.

As it stands, Boll has four (soon to be FIVE!) movies in the can without distributors. So clearly he's still scraping together millions of someone else's money to make his crap.

11:01 PM  
Anonymous akito said...

Hey Max, I'd suggest just writing to Film Pigs and issuing another challenge. They met mine. And the Audition ep was wonderfully good :D Gotta get in their grill and poke them with a stick to remind them that their fans are eagerly waiting their slow-moving asses >____>

10:05 PM  
Blogger directorscut said...

Uwe Boll craziness at youtube:

And some Alone in the Dark video game footage for comparison:

1:53 PM  

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