Once again, another movie that falls into the "could be considered the worst sequel of all time" category.
Problems:
Sean Connery's head has been reattached.
John C. McGinley does NOT sound like Orsen Welles. (Otherwise brings it)
Aliens. Including, but not limited to, Pigeon Assassins.
It's the podBLAST season finale.
Good:
Solid actors doing what they can with crap.
Virginia Madsen
BLASTers granted a 3-month leave-of-absence to recover.
Hell yeah. Short of the Double Double Damme Damme and the two-part Pearl Harbor BLAST, here is the single longest BLAST ever. 63MB of BLASTin'.
But is it all BLASTin'? Did one of your very own turn to the dark side? Download and find out.
As for the movie... 2 hours and 17 Minutes of Michael Bay's signature, flat-lit, product-placed, lowest common denominator, quick-cut, plot-light, action "filmmaking".
Though it's never been checked, we think it's probably a cult classic with most coroners.
Arguably the worst sequel-to-original disparity in the history of cinema. This hunk of crap jumps the shark in so many ways that if we listed them all here, we might break the internet.
How Dan Ackroyd was able to round everyone up for this is a mystery. One suspects that no one asked to read the script first.
Suggestion: Dan, instead of showing your love of music and Blues by trying to reproduce the magic of the original Blues Brothers, do a documentary. Everyone expects those to suck.
BLASTphemers - if you're in the habit of listening to BLASTs without renting the movie, go out on a limb with this one. Some of the gasps you'll hear on the BLAST will make more sense if you're actually getting the visuals.
Another Ewe Boll film. Well, what can you say about a director that has admitted his movies are bad, then in the same breath blamed the video games they're based on as not being good source material? Seriously, what can you say?
Who gives a shit, it's perfect blasting material. Bad movie, laughable performances (we're looking at you, Tara Reid), pointless gore, spooky caves that are really alternate dimensions... perfect.
Super-sexy Angelina Jolie is all T's & A in this franchise deuce, though you would never know it. It's like the movie was cut with gay men and jealous girlfriends in mind.
So with no gratuitous shots of Mrs. Pitt, what are you left with? Pandora's "box"? Yeah, we know... sounds promising, but it turns out to be lame.
But: The dude with all the pecs and abs from 300 is in it.
Nicholas Cage rides through this pile of crap (yet another poorly realized Marvel adaptation) admirably, though clearly much of his time was spent in his trailer while the animators took over.
Try to forget that he made a deal with the devil and can't be killed, and you may just sense some drama here and there.
Two other things to note: Eva Mendes can't even pull off a convincing news reporter. Uh, Eva? The Academy called. They'd like you to go home now.
One of the greatest mis-casts ever:
Wes "...there's so much beauty in the world..." Bentley as Blackheart-The-Squeaky-Voiced.
We like Ben Affleck. We really do. Why he happens to be in so many BLASTed movies is a mystery.
Make no mistake, though, Reindeer Games sucks hard. If it's not the championship collection of stupid double-crosses, then it's the several unbelievable leaps of logic. Pointless narration? Got it. Lame, unrealistic villains? Yep. Someone to root for? A sympathetic hero? Uh, no.
However, Charlize Theron appears twice with minimal clothing.
The heat is getting to us. As we sign off for a short summer vacation, we leave you with the first ever DVD podBLAST double feature:
Double Impact and Double Team (in that order)
Both starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, one starring him twice, and the other also starring Rebound King and former Flavor of the Month, Dennis Rodman.
Squeamish about hearing your BLASTers chow down? Too bad. Trying to survive 3.5 hours of "The Damme" without eating is impossible, so at the break, we send one of our own down to In 'n Out to grab some Double-Doubles.
Believe it or not, there are even MORE "double" jokes in the BLAST. So, enjoy that.
We've done the franchise killers, we've done the career killers, we've even done the director killers. Here's a new one...
The Genre Killer.
If the makers of Airplane and Top Secret knew back then that this was where zany comedy was headed, they probably would have just stuck with their day jobs. Luckily for everyone, looking into the future is impossible.
Unfortunately for DVD podBLAST, un-watching a movie is also impossible.
The title, The Bonfire of the Vanities, refers to an event in 1497 whereby a puritanical leader in Italy sent his Troops of Morality house to house, requesting that folks give up their "vanities" - paintings, cosmetics, "pagan" books - and throw them onto the 15-story bonfire.
Nice.
As the undisputed modern day equivalent of the Troops of Morality, DVD podBLAST will soon be going door to door, nicely asking people to give up their DVD copies of The Bonfire of the Vanities so we may throw them atop the ritual pyre, apty named, "The Bonfire of The Bonfire of the Vanities."
The earliest known sharks date back to about 400 million years ago. Dinosaurs appeared around 200 million years ago and were gone in the blink of an eye (geologically speaking) because they sucked.
Sharks, on the other hand, rule, and are still around. Hungrier and more pissed off than ever, they have evolved to hold grudges and survive on a steady diet of kids. Their black hearts pump nitro glycerin and they can smell grandma stank from halfway around the globe.
(This is shit you don't get from Shark Week, people.)
The only known humans that can survive a shark attack are Michael Caine and Mario Van Peebles, but Mario has to be affecting a bad Jamaican accent, and Caine has to be pulling that bullshit accent that he has.
So, in conclusion--
Sharks: Sweet
Dinosaurs: Lame
DVD podBLAST: Awesome
RiffTrax: Douchebags
It should be good. Spielberg calling the shots; Stanley Kubrick smiling from beyond; Jude Law, William Hurt, and Haley J. all bringin' it.
Problems:
It is 7 hours and 19 minutes long.
SexBots are not real.
It contains no less than two endings, arguably more.
The fabled Blue Fairy is hotter than the mom (Frances O'Connor). (Debatable)
Chris RockBot; Robin "Dr. Know" Williams.
Matt and D do not own a condo in Rouge City.
Pros:
Special Effects can not be denied.
Teddy.
Officially BLASTed.
Fans of explosions and hard nipples rejoice: Your film has arrived.
Fans of WWE and John Cena who also have no brain (or a non-functioning brain): Enjoy the film. We know you will.
Fans of rock candy: Prepare to take up arms.
Fans of entertainment;
fans of not being insulted;
fans of not wasting hard earned money on crap;
fans of "UNRATED" meaning, "You can jack it to this movie";
fans of shit that doesn't suck shit:
This BLAST is for you.
(Quick clarification: There is nothing inherently wrong with explosions or hard nipples. We just feel that a movie should not be based around them. Well, not entirely. Well, depends on the movie.)
If this movie hadn't been so boring, it could have made Matt LeBlanc a movie star.
Yeah, he starred in a movie about a monkey that's also a baseball player, and yeah, he let his agent talk him into "Joey". But seriously, he was pretty good in Lost in Space.
And oh my God, Lacey Chabert is... uh... 16 in this movie. No more to say.
Who can we blame? How about Akiva Goldsman, the writer, who also wrote Batman & Robin (BLASTed) and Batman Forever (coming soon)? OK, Done.
Makes one think that a DVD podBLAST Hall of Shame may need to get rolling.
Join the BLASTers and special guest Senta Moses on a journey through the depths of the human soul as they explore the meaning and significance of Tequila Body Shots.
Few knew that what has long been considered just a super hot way to get tequila into your belly is actually an ancient Mexican tradition designed to get really cute guys laid. It's also closely related to necrophilia. (Look that one up, kids.)
Joey Lawrence brings it home in his own, very particular style.
What is the best thing about Supergirl? It's our 50th BLAST, that's what!
So instead of writing about some crappy movie that should probably be called Suckergirl or Superdouche, let's instead focus on the positive.
DVD podBLAST. 50th. Wow. That is a lot of stank. In fact, if you could make a pile of all the stank that these 50 movies have unleashed on the world, you would have... well, a lot. Like, "Call Al Gore" a lot.
And you know what? Supergirl would be the cherry on top.
What, really, can you expect from the director who brought you Cutthroat Island? (OT: I hear there's an AWESOME alternate commentary for that movie!! Check it out!!! dvdpodblast.com)
There are so many plot holes and inconsistencies in this movie, you'd have to be a blind New Yorker to crash your car into a story. Or Villain. Or Engaging Character.
Here's a fun side game: bet your friends who can determine the exact moment in the movie when the special effects budget ran out.
Just very simply - this may be the worst adaptation of anything, ever.
If you are a player of D&D, if you've ever played D&D, if you've heard of D&D, or if you've ever walked past a gaming store in the mall, this movie should offend you to the core.
Most offensive is Marlon Wayans... or Thora Birch... or the blatant Star Wars rip-offs... or the fact that Thora Birch was nominated for two awards that aren't designed to make fun of her.
Unless you are a level 5 wizard, do NOT watch this movie without the BLAST, which will give you +50 endurance.
Produced at the height of Britney Spears' sex-kitten fame, Crossroads suffers from an identity crisis. Much like the current Ms. Spears. Hmmmm.
Anyway, is it produced for tweener fans of Britney? If so - who's the filmmaking wizard that came up with the gratuitous scenes of Britney dancing in her underwear to make ordinary tweens feel fat and ugly?
Or is it produced for thirty-something men who have longed for just a little bit more Britney skin ever since they laid eyes on the Hit Me Baby One More Time video? If so - yikes.
One thing that seems to be universally agreed upon though: HOLY SHIT SHE'S HOT!!
A troubled Southern teen (Lucas Black) travels to the land of the distant sun to live with his troubled, whore-loving father. (Sound familiar? Thought so. Yeah, we're talking to YOU!)
Within hours of arriving, he falls in love with another troubled foreigner, gets caught up in the world of drift racing, and is taken under the wing of a Japanese mobster with a huge supply of exotic four-bangers and a taste for cheesy snack crackers.
Well, as you might expect, one does not become number-one roundeye overnight. So, some trials and tribulations happen, after which the ultimate race for domination (and sweet, slutty love) is set up.
As you have already guessed, Good Guy drifts the shit out of Bad Guy, wins The Girl, then rolls into the strangest cameo scene in drift racing movie history.
One year before she became Jennifer "Rachel Green" Aniston, she was just Jennifer "Tory Reding" Aniston, running around kicking ass on an innocent, homicidal Leprechaun.
He just wants his gold, people! Just give him his gold!
OK, seriously? We barely remember the movie. Hope the BLAST is OK.
Check www.dvdpodblast.com on Monday for some pics.
Don't let the hilariously clever title throw you - this movie blows.
In this episode of "Franchise Killer Theatre", we find Jamie Kennedy as a down-on-his-luck cartoonist who gets a hold of The Mask. After wearing it to a very convenient costume party (<** party scene deleted from memory **> he comes home and breaks off a little somthin-somethin with the old lady.
Fast forward nine months (really, 40 weeks, people), and little baby is born with all the powers of the mask, yet none of the associated laughs.
As a nervous parent, Ja <** deleted memory **> ing, but not before <** deleted **>, which ends up <** delete **>
The official title of this movie is Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, however, as any astute viewer will notice (as did your BLASTers), there is no book, nor are there any shadows.
If that isn't enough, this BLAST came under the Blair Witch curse. During the original recording, the last half of the BLAST was mysteriously silent. The recording continued, but there was only silence. WhoooOOOOOOooooo! Spooky.
As a result, this BLAST has been spliced together at the 30:00 sync check mark. Everything will remain in sync. Or will it!?!? WhoooOOOOOoooooo!!
What more does the Blair Witch have in store?
What about the original BLAST from the 30:00 mark to the beginning of silence? Where's that?
We love our BLASTphemers. So in honor of the holiday, we bring you, by request, Dreamcatcher, 2 hours and 15 minutes of misguided Stephen King adaptationism.
Just a quick note - - This particular request, from someone named... let's say, "Colin", from somewhere called... mmm... let's say, "Newcastle, Australia", was either a legitimate petition to BLAST a horrible movie, or a heinous prank whose purpose was to either:
- Drain our collective lifeforce.
- Force us into murdering each other in so many psychotic hazes.
- Quite possibly both.
Yeah, real funny "Colin." "Henderson." From "Newcastle".
- Sexual innuendo (only if it's SUPPOSED to be, you perv)
- Every time time any journalist character appears (alive or dead)
- Unresolved plot points
- Any time Sharon Stone smolders
Uh, on second thought, if you play this game, you will die of alcohol poisoning.
DISCLAIMER: Seriously, no drinking.
Instead, make it a laughing game. Bring some love into this world, people!
It had its good points - Michael Keaton as THE Batman, Michelle Pheiffer in a catsuit, Christopher Walken as Christopher Walken - but it also had Tim Burton(tm) brand sillyness, magic penguin pallbearers (spoiler... oops!), and the word "poon-tang".
Besides, though this is one of the best movies to ever suffer a BLAST, it did prompt the BLASTers to reveal their secret plans for an island utopia, as well as their questionable sexual habits.
It's a few years after Speed, and Annie (Sandra Bullock) has dumped super-buff Jack Traven (Keanu Reeves) for a pleasantly compact Alex Shaw (Jason Patric), who she believes to be a nice, mellow member of LAPD's "Suicide Squad".
When she totally plausibly finds out that he's actually an adrenaline freak, she gets really, believably upset. Luckily, Alex keeps cruise tickets stuffed down his pants for just such an occasion.
From here, I'm sure you can imagine: Psychotic, scorned employee (Willem Dafoe); hapless, gay cabin attendant; inappropriate sexual tension; Scottish crew.
Wait, you want SPEED!?! Oh, we got it, baby! How about an ocean liner that tops out at 20mph (32kph)!!! X-TREME!!!!!
We create full-length Alternative DVD Commentaries for bad movies.
We got up to 100 of them and then called it quits in late 2008.
But then in early 2011, we decided to give it another run and record commentaries for the worst films of 2010.
To download movies or podBLASTS... right-click (Macs control-click) on the title of the post, choose "save link as..." and save it to an appropriate spot. Your desktop, perhaps.